1. Auto-resize the browser window
Nothing says to me more that you know who I am and what I like than you automatically changing my browser windows size. Before I went to your website, I thought I wanted my browser in full-screen… then you showed me how wonderful the world looked in 200×800 — you really “get me”.
2. Use Flash as often as possible
Google, Bing, and Yahoo may have difficulty crawling your Flash-rich website — screwing up your Search Engine Optimization. You also have the added benefit of your site failing to work on modern networking devices like the iPad. But the fact that you care enough about me to display a menu that could have been accomplished easily in a native language just shouts out how much you actually care about me. To know that it will take an act of congress for you to change your Flash based menu is just a testament to your dedication to me. Not many people would be so bold, for that sir, you get a big kudos.
3. Disable the ability to right-click on your page
Everyone wants to steal your content, it is a fact. The best way to stop them is by using JavaScript to disable your horrible clients from right-clicking on your webpage. Sure this does not actually prevent anyone from stealing your content but it is the thought that counts. When I right click on a page and get a pop-up telling me that “right-clicking has been disabled” it makes me realize how serious you are about your work. Granted, I was just right clicking a link to open it in a new tab… but I know you’re just trying to protect yourself. And even though anyone with half a brain could easily by-pass this basic security, you should feel comfortable in the thought that most people who visit your site probably don’t have half a brain.
4. Add tons of ads to your site
You’re a business and you need to make money. The best way to monetize your site is to display as many ads as possible. Try to think of the most clever ways you can do this, from several floating/scrolling ads that block the content to ad blocks in between every paragraph. Sure this will hinder your clients ability to read your content, learn from you, and they may even give up and never come back to your site. But you have a business to run… if they can’t respect that, you don’t need them!
5. Auto-play… anything!
It is music to my ears to hear music playing automatically when I come to your site. I like it even more when I browse from page to page and the same song keeps starting over. If you want to get real fancy, you should create a video of yourself that pops-up automatically and gives me a tour of your site. I know how much hard work you put into that welcome message and I thank you for reminding me over and over again.
6. Add “Am I sure I want to leave?” Alert messages
I am so thankful for these messages. I have a severe case of a disorder called Impulerit Culpa, that is when you often click the wrong button. Often times I click the close button by accident and thank goodness this alert comes up warning me that I am about to leave your page. Unfortunately, my IC is so severe that it usually causes me to click the “OK” button and I end up leaving your site anyway. But thanks for trying, really.
7. Break a single story up into different pages
You know what I miss? I miss books… you know, computers with their ability to display endless content by simply scrolling down. This is ludicrous! If God wanted us to scroll, we would have been born with middle fingers. Oh, wait… well, either way books have been around for thousands of years and the printing press is proof enough that people want the feeling of turning a page. It is truly a blessing knowing that I cannot easily CTRL-F to search through your content and that I have to click the “next page” button to finish your amazing story. You, my friend, make life worth living.
8. Add Mouse-Over-Popups
Sometimes I will be reading a story and I’ll see a random word in your sentence and think, “You know what, I wish I could put my mouse over that word and have it show me an Ad/Definition/Random Fact”. I really like it when there is practically no where I can put my mouse without a pop-up blocking some of the content that I’m trying to ignore. I say, “ignore,” because what I really want to read is the pop-up information. Your site is a true example of great User Experience! Bravo.