What would Jesus do for Halloween

As many of you know, Halloween is a day of celebration for Satanists. If you celebrate Halloween, then I am pretty sure that you will be drinking the blood of sacrificed goats and slaughtering chickens on October 31st. This is a common practice of children around the world who celebrate this day. When I was a child, my parent use to force me to bathe in cow’s blood to wash away evil spirits, then we would eat raw frog brains to make our souls stronger.

All this led me to wonder, what would Jesus do for Halloween this year?

Now that I am a follower of Christ, I believe I can speak for Jesus on this issue. It is pretty obvious, but I am sure Jesus will not turn his lights on for Halloween. He will not want those evil pagan Satanists coming to his door asking for sacrificial virgins and goat’s blood. After spending a few hours hiding in a room in his house from all those evil non-Himself-Followers he will make his way to the local God-ordained building to celebrate.

Do not worry, he is not going to be celebrating the evil Satanic day of Halloween. He will be celebrating Fall Festival. You see, Fall Festival is the holiest of celebrations and it happens to fall on October 31. Unlike Halloween, during Fall Festival you get to dress up like your favorite fun thing. This is a completely different practice than that evil Satanist celebration. The children of Satan worshipers all dress up like Ghouls, Ghosts, Witches, Demons, and Lawyers – everything to do with Satan. During Fall Festival, the children dress up like Peter Pan, Robin Hood, Star Wars characters, Angels, and dead Church reformers – everything to do with God and the Bible.

While at Fall Festival, Jesus will participate in many activities. One of Jesus’ favorite activities is painting pumpkins. You can paint a funny face on a pumpkin, glue yarn on the top of it to make it look even sillier. Then you can accessorize your pumpkin with fake glasses, mustaches, or clothes. The wild-eyed Satanists also use pumpkins in their celebration. It is quite different though, Satanists take sharp evil knifes and stab open the pumpkin. They carve evil and ugly faces out of the pumpkin as a way to ward off Christians and all things holy. Often times they put a candle inside the demonic pumpkin to make it look even scarier. Sometimes it is acceptable for Christians to carve pumpkins, but only if they carve a cross into the pumpkin (with a knife blessed by a priest). Also, Christians are forbidden from putting candles in their pumpkins. This too closely reflects the evil Satanist children of the world. Instead, they need to use a small flash light with rechargeable batteries (to save the environment). We are called to be “in the world”… not “of the world”.

Jesus also loves handing out candy to the little children at Fall Festival. He makes sure to hand out only the healthy candy, like apples, oranges, unsalted peanuts, and bible tracts. To receive these wonderful prizes, the children will usually say “tr*ck or tr**t” like the evil Satanist children. This is acceptable behavior, they are too young to realize the evilness of this saying. Eventually with enough Sunday School and Children’s church they will learn the true evil power of these words. It is Jesus’ hope along with the rest of the church that 1 or 2 satanist Children who inadvertently wear Christian costumes might accidentally stumble into to their Fall Festival celebration and receive a Bible tract. This is truly the only acceptable way to tell children and parents about God’s hatred for them and how they can be saved from their wicked Satanic practices so that God might finally love them.

During all of the pumpkin painting and candy giveaways there are usually other activities for children to do. One of my favorites is the “Holy House”. A Holy House is a fun maze for the good little Heaven-bound children. While they go through the maze fun facts pop out at them telling them about how Luther nailed his 95 thesis on the Wittenberg door or how Spurgeon preached to thousands of people. When the children finish the maze they are quizzed on what they should have learned and earn saltines and sugar free punch for correct answers. Some of the Satanist children have a similar, but evil practice. They have an evil maze called a “Haunted House”. A Haunted house is filled with other scary people dressed up as evil things like demons and ghouls. As the Satanist children go through this scary maze, evil spirits jump out at them scaring them and brainwashing them into believing in evolution. When they finish the maze they get to drink boiled worm juice and eat Oreo cookies.

This entire post was a fabrication.

Happy Halloween.

Comments

  1. this is great, Lew! I needed a good laugh…thanks! Gonna post my response on my blog today, I think you will be at least moderately pleased…

  2. I think Jesus would be a waiter for Halloween… or maybe a zombie waiter. And, he would give out good candy, not that crappy stuff.

    -Alan

  3. Thanks Jason, I look forward to reading your response. Some pretty good conversation over there.

    Alan, you may be right :).

    Lew

  4. Your lovely wife says

    This made me laugh! In fact, this made me laugh so much that I almost linked it to my facebook page so all my friends and family could enjoy…then I scrolled down and noticed that one of your most recent posts was a video of you opening your “Bag of Crap” and I just couldn’t do it.

    • Awww… no Facebook love? :(

      That’s ok, I’m just glad that you liked the post :).

      Love,
      Lew

  5. Cracking me up, Lew! We as christians at my house have decided it is also okay to carve princess faces into our pumpkins! But we do use real candles! I hope Jesus will forgive us for that! We use our own childrens blood to ward of evil spirits, not cows blood! Hopefully you want lose your salvation this halloween!

  6. Brandon says

    Lew,
    You will burn in hell for this blasphemy…And God is happy about it!

    Great post! :-)